you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap