Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.