Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.