I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
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she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
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I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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