My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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