I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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