She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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