Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
