were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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