Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
