No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
