there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
