I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So much Jack, so little girl.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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