$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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