At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
