Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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