I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
