im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
