he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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