Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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