to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
