I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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