he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
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I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
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Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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