my phone needs a breathalizer
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
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I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.