Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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