My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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