And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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