Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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