Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Randomize
