I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
