Sacagawea was the original milf.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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