my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
