he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
