I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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