my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
