i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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