Barsexuality is the new black.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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