There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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