she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
