you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
