I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
