I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
