Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
