She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
