Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
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I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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