I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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