new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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