Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
