all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
