hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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