My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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