ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
