from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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