I faked an abortion last night.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
