You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
