Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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