I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
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Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
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Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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