I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
