I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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